Abraham's faith

I was in Genesis 12 for today's Bible reading from church. In it, God tells Abram to "Go from your country, your people, and your father's household to the land I will show you." No big deal, just leave everything you've ever known. The Bible says nothing about Abram's response, save for the fact that he went. Who knows if he felt conflicted or torn or relieved to get out of there. All we know is that he went... and in return, God made him the father of a nation.

Sometimes, the leaving can feel like death, but it brings life.

Rusty.

Your sword's grown old and rusty,

Burnt beneath the rising sun.

It's locked up like a trophy,

Forgetting all the things it's done.

And though it's been a long time

You're right back where you started from.

I see it in your eyes

And now you're giving up the gun.

-Vampire Weekend

The chorus of this song is really hitting home right now.

Also, the video for it is great - show that Jake Gyllenhaal who's boss, Kirsten Dunst-looking lady!

Ready to start.

A couple guys I know from work have a band. They're really good, but at the rate they're going, you'll never, ever get to hear them. They've been recording their demo for at least as long as I've worked at Bethel (over a year now), with no sign of finishing anything. Whenever I ask about the recording, the response always falls along the lines of "Well, we WERE getting really close to putting the finishing touches on this song, but we still have some ideas to make it better, so we're doing some more recording." These dudes have a home studio set up, so they have all the recording time they could ever want - often times a huge stepping stone for a young band with little cash on hand.

Granted, there are a lot of benefits to a situation like that, but I wonder if it's not actually as ideal as one would think. No financial limitations on studio time, and no fans immediately clamoring for more. They have all the time in the world to make an amazing record, but it may not happen at all.

What could be interpreted as having an unwavering attention to detail and nuance could just as easily be a crippling fear that this will never be as good as I want it to be.

As I mentioned awhile back, I used to be (okay, still sort of am) a perfectionist. I didn't even know how to start when I began work on a project, because I didn't think it would be good enough in the end. There is always the worry that once others see it, the jig is up and people know what I really am, or at least my limitations.

Sometimes I get so tied up with wanting to be at the front of the pack that I don't even bother entering the race.

I need to love what I'm doing first - this can't come from anyone else. In some ways, I don't even want to factor what others are doing into how I perceive my own work. It would be far more desirable to sail out towards the horizon and risk crashing into a wall at the end of my abilities than to consign myself to a certain distance, because that's all I perceive myself to be capable of.

"A ship in the harbor is safe, but that is not what ships are built for." -John Shedd

Awake, my soul.

Many times in life does one come to arrive at a T, that intersection that does not allow him or her to simply continue through on the same road that brought them there; a change in direction is required.

I was reminded tonight of several specific events in life that presented the dilemma of arriving at a T. Wherever I was at that point in time, the road would take me no further unless I changed course.

Many of these events revolved around relationships with others:

Do I see this friendship aligning with who I want to become?

Do I break up with her, or take the relationship to the next level?

Should I hold on and try to ride these changes in leadership out, believing that it could get better soon, or is this my cue to jump ship and head someplace else?

Others have been more about personal choice, but typically the common thread running through has been a call to either fully commit or move on to something else. If I'm going to give my music a real shot, then I need to be 100% sold on it - otherwise it's just going to be frustrating. See also: blogging, working out,... Stuff like that.

When I reflect on the times that I've been presented with a T, I'm not embarrassed or ashamed of the choices I've made. I'm disappointed at the times that I've chosen the quick way out instead of thinking long term, but the ones that haunt me are the times I've chosen the way of inaction - not making any solid decision, but letting things play out, knowing I will have only myself to blame for my current state.

When you don't choose, opportunities for growth just look like dead ends.

The days are getting brighter.

Newton's first Law of Motion says that objects in motion tend to stay in motion, and objects at rest tend to stay at rest. Guess which one I've been as of late, especially with the whole writing thing.

I haven't been incommunicado because I've been holed up working on a super-important project like a book or screenplay (although even just to be holed up in general would be nice) or anything like that. Nope, just winter.

Winter in Minnesota, I'm convinced, is nothing short of a war of attrition on one's psyche - slowly wearing you down emotionally, physically, spiritually. You don't even notice it after the initial shock of how very cold and dark it is, really, until rays of hope begin to show through. This usually occurs around the end of February, although this is often misleading and encourages further despair until at least April. Sometimes I don't know how people get anything done in this climate. Hey, at least I don't have ice dams.

The dark months always hit me harder than I realize; I'm somewhat unaware of the winter blues until I see the sun and the temperatures are in the 30s for an extended period of time, such as this past week. You know how people say that you have to know how bad it can get in order to fully appreciate how good it is? I feel like I'm not aware of how bad it really is until I'm on the other side of it, going "oh, yeah, this is what real smiling feels like."

However, it's safe to say this winter has been a particularly trying one for me. Much of what I've known has changed drastically. For example, the church I've called home, for better or worse, no longer felt like home. So a new year meant time for a change for Sarah and me. Even the events detailed in my most recent post don't mean anything. This has brought a deep sense of loss; I don't think I need to explain a feeling like that to anyone older than 4 on the planet. We know that one all too well on our own terms. I just wish I dealt with mine better.

What I'm getting at is that I sometimes wonder if I'm a couple steps behind the pace of my life, like I'm perpetually waving goodbye to whatever is in the rear window while my attention is required by what lies ahead. Also, I wonder if I wonder too much. If I only have a finite amount of time and mental processing power, a good deal of it is spent wondering if choices made were the right ones, choices on all levels, from the insignificant "did I really want the Chicago dog or the Warsaw?" to the big life-altering ones. This seems somewhat worthless to me looking at it like this. (Not to mention altogether frustrating to my wife, who hears about it far more often than you are right now. No matter how frustrated you may be, she's got you beat.) Yet this is what occupies my brain on a regular basis. My hope is that at least all this speculation is fertile soil for some brilliant writing. Don't hold your breath on that one, though.

No, in all seriousness, even though it's been a rough few months and my reserves are running low, I'm continually hopeful. I have to keep that alive; I've really got no choice in the matter. I blame God for that one. When it doesn't make any sense to be positive and hopeful, I am reminded that God is still faithful. It's times like this that I can relate to King David, the writer of the majority of the Psalms. It's a book of worship songs, essentially, and David doesn't shy away from his raw feelings; anger, fear, desperation, and the like (something most modern worship songs are lacking) - but above it all, a confidence in God. Psalm 27 says:

Teach me how to live, O Lord.
Lead me along the right path,
for my enemies are waiting for me.
¹² Do not let me fall into their hands.
For they accuse me of things I’ve never done;
with every breath they threaten me with violence.
¹³ Yet I am confident I will see the Lord’s goodness
while I am here in the land of the living.

¹⁴ Wait patiently for the Lord.
Be brave and courageous.
Yes, wait patiently for the Lord.

Even now, that Anne Lamott quote featured prominently at the top of the blog becomes more meaningful to me - hope begins in the dark. I know that no matter what, I will never be forsaken. The days are still mostly dark, but they are getting brighter. They always do.

Cynicism.

A child kicks its legs rhythmically through excess, not absence, of life. Because children have abounding vitality, because they are in spirit fierce and free, therefore they want things repeated and unchanged. They always say, Do it again; and the grown-up person does it again until he is nearly dead. For grown-up people are not strong enough to exult in monotony. But perhaps God is strong enough... It is possible that God says every morning, Do it again, to the sun; and every evening, Do it again, to the moon. It may not be automatic necessity that makes all daisies alike: it may be that God makes every daisy separately, but has never got tired of making them. It may be that He has the eternal appetite of infancy; for we have sinned and grown old, and our Father is younger than we.

-G. K. Chesterton

I've been feeling old lately. The culprit could be any number of things: working with college students and realizing the age gap, the marriage thing, buying a house, feeling not as healthy as usual, among others. However, my instincts have led me to point to something else... something internal.

The above passage was taken from Orthodoxy, one of Chesterton's most well-known works, and a highly-regarded work of Christian apologetics. Not that I've read it, of course; but I've wanted to. That's got to count for something, right? (Late to the party again.) The first time I came across this passage was on a worship album produced by Mars Hill Church. The title of the track was "The Dead End of Cynicism," and that was where I found myself today: facing that dead end, wondering where to go from here.

You see, I'm at a bit of a crossroads... more so than usual, I guess. Over the past few years, I've been fortunate to be the worship leader of the college ministry at my church. Seeing the growth that has happened from its inception has been sweet. We've built up an absolutely amazing worship team, for starters. The guys on the team have a band that's so exciting to listen to, because you can tell how much they love music, and how much passion they have playing it. In my opinion, that passion should be resonating from your speakers whenever you listen to music, period. Rebekah, our token girl in the band, is a legitimate musician as well (she once opened for Phillips, Craig & Dean - some serious street cred right there). I just lead worship. It's only a matter of time before I'm found out.

This past week brought a major change to our little ministry. Starting next Sunday, things are getting real. We're starting a new service, and the church has asked Rebekah and me to be the worship leaders. First and foremost, this is really exciting.

Second, it's somewhat terrifying.

A phrase that has been tossed around at North Heights for what our mission is as a church body is that we are to "see what God is doing, and go join Him in the work." Fairly simple. Then it got me thinking about fearing God; as a Christian, I'm commanded to fear God - not fear as in my fear of driving off a bridge, but a 'healthy respect of power' type of fear. I acknowledge that God is much bigger and more powerful than me, and that His ways, while they don't seem to make sense and I sometimes wonder what skewed system of calling the shots He uses, are better than my ways. This means I want to be on board with what He wants to happen. This new service, for example. I've been given this opportunity to lead because God wants to use me to accomplish His work. I have a choice in the matter, however; I can choose not to act and squander the opportunity entirely. This would probably suck a lot.

The point is, if God can't use me to do this stuff, He'll just use somebody else. This is where the fear comes in; I don't want to miss out. My fear of God translates into action in that I will do whatever it takes to be used in this new venture; fear/respect leads to obedience.

How, exactly, could I miss out? By playing the cynic, as is often the case. It takes almost nothing to be a cynic (especially in a massive church), always pointing out the flaws and what's going wrong. But to offer solutions, or a new perspective - that takes real work. There's nothing wrong with identifying areas where we could do better; cynicism and honesty are not the same. It's about attitude.

The past couple years, my view of God, or at least my view of worship and ministry, has been corroded by cynicism. Several factors have contributed to this, the most influential being the simple fact that I'm involved in ministry at a church, and people are people. When one puts oneself in relationships with others, it's taking that risk that, somewhere along the line, likely more than once, you will be hurt. It's one of those inevitable things. But another part of my cynicism had to do with my response to these things that naturally occur in life. I had a choice: I could be bitter, or I could be better. Over time, I chose bitter.

And I saw - and felt - the results, not just in my relationships with others, but in my relationship with God. In the book of James, the Bible teaches that "Pure and genuine religion in the sight of God the Father means caring for orphans and widows in their distress and refusing to let the world corrupt you." To me, this basically means that if you are really serious about following God, you should be concerned firstly with others who are in need, and you should fight back against the way the world wants you to be; that is, self-seeking, power-hungry, etc. - I wrote about this a couple posts back. That cynicism, that bitterness I'd been harboring was definitely not the way I was supposed to be feeling. If there was a prime example of what it looks like to be corrupted by the world, I've been living it for awhile.

"...For we have sinned and grown old, and our Father is younger than we."

Simply put, I've been feeling old lately.

Thankfully, this aging can be reversed. That's where I'm headed.

Necessities.

"Know it won't all go the way it should

But I know the heart of life is good.

I know it's good..."

-John Mayer

At some point, I think one of two things needs to happen. Either:

1. Life stops being crazy and slows down to somewhat of a manageable pace, maintaining some sort of predictability and more of a steady flow OR
2. I accept the fact that this will never happen.

My inclination is towards the latter. I realized just now how often the phrase "Life has been so CRAZY lately!" slips out from my lips, usually issued apologetically for my lack of communication with a friend or loved one. If they'd only understand, I think, this has been the single most hectic/busy/trying/whatever time in my life thus far - I wish they knew how I felt.

I think that, by and large, most people DO know how I'm feeling. Take my friend Ginger, for instance. Ginger is a photographer by trade (who does amazing work and deserves all the success she's been getting). Sarah and I have been close with Ginger and her husband Aaron for quite a while, so we see them on a somewhat regular basis. However, summer/fall is a particularly full season for those in the wedding photo biz - apparently lots of people think this is a good time to get wed! As such, I think the last time we saw them was... the 4th of July? No, I take that back - we did go see the new Harry Potter movie, where we got asked by some high school kids if we could buy them alcohol. "Make better choices!" shouted Ginger as we walked away, laughing in disbelief. Anyways, that movie came out the end of July. That's how long it's been since I've seen some of my closest friends. Ginger told me on the phone recently that "this has been the busiest I've ever been in my entire career," and that's what got me thinking. Then I realized that what's happening to me is happening to most other people. Some may be at a different point in the cycle, but we're all on the same ride, and it's got no sign of stopping.

Do I wish for things to back up a few steps, where I know now that I had it easier? Initially, yes. However, when I think about it, I know that the changes occurring are good, that the heart of life is good. I wouldn't trade where I am for where I've been, as much as I'd like to sometimes. So, instead of seeking an impossible balance, or craving things to be as they were, what do I seek now?

Wholeness.

I'm seeking wholeness in body, mind, and spirit. Isn't that really what we look for when looking back? Then, we think, wherever then is for me or you, I had a healthy balance. Less was required of me. I was freer. Time had less of a hold on me. I liked what I was doing... I liked who I was. This is how I've been facing my life as of late. And, surprise surprise - I've felt like crap. How we deal with the craziness of life has everything to do with perception.

I know that this isn't how things are supposed to be. Jesus said "I came so they can have real and eternal life, more and better than they ever dreamed of," and I've gotta take the guy at His word. We're meant to have wholeness in life, yet it seems that it's always just out of our grasp.

We become most aware of our needs when the things that satisfy those needs are absent.

I realize how good I feel when I'm healthy, eating right and working up a sweat during a run or bike ride, when exercise has not been a part of my life for several weeks.

I'm aware of how much I enjoy playing guitar, often sitting for hours at a time getting lost in the sounds emerging from such a simple instrument, when I haven't picked one up in what feels like weeks.

I know how good it is to be spending time in the Bible, praying and worshiping God, precisely because of how I feel so thirsty and dry when I haven't done so.

These things, for me, bring wholeness. These are necessities, much like food and water. I can no more deny myself these than I can deny hunger pangs. Life will continue to get busier and busier; no doubt I will look back sometime much later and say that this time was carefree and easy. Wholeness isn't found by looking back, or even trying to work towards it in the future. In the here and now, in the midst of the craziness, I'm seeking to be whole.