Necessities.

"Know it won't all go the way it should

But I know the heart of life is good.

I know it's good..."

-John Mayer

At some point, I think one of two things needs to happen. Either:

1. Life stops being crazy and slows down to somewhat of a manageable pace, maintaining some sort of predictability and more of a steady flow OR
2. I accept the fact that this will never happen.

My inclination is towards the latter. I realized just now how often the phrase "Life has been so CRAZY lately!" slips out from my lips, usually issued apologetically for my lack of communication with a friend or loved one. If they'd only understand, I think, this has been the single most hectic/busy/trying/whatever time in my life thus far - I wish they knew how I felt.

I think that, by and large, most people DO know how I'm feeling. Take my friend Ginger, for instance. Ginger is a photographer by trade (who does amazing work and deserves all the success she's been getting). Sarah and I have been close with Ginger and her husband Aaron for quite a while, so we see them on a somewhat regular basis. However, summer/fall is a particularly full season for those in the wedding photo biz - apparently lots of people think this is a good time to get wed! As such, I think the last time we saw them was... the 4th of July? No, I take that back - we did go see the new Harry Potter movie, where we got asked by some high school kids if we could buy them alcohol. "Make better choices!" shouted Ginger as we walked away, laughing in disbelief. Anyways, that movie came out the end of July. That's how long it's been since I've seen some of my closest friends. Ginger told me on the phone recently that "this has been the busiest I've ever been in my entire career," and that's what got me thinking. Then I realized that what's happening to me is happening to most other people. Some may be at a different point in the cycle, but we're all on the same ride, and it's got no sign of stopping.

Do I wish for things to back up a few steps, where I know now that I had it easier? Initially, yes. However, when I think about it, I know that the changes occurring are good, that the heart of life is good. I wouldn't trade where I am for where I've been, as much as I'd like to sometimes. So, instead of seeking an impossible balance, or craving things to be as they were, what do I seek now?

Wholeness.

I'm seeking wholeness in body, mind, and spirit. Isn't that really what we look for when looking back? Then, we think, wherever then is for me or you, I had a healthy balance. Less was required of me. I was freer. Time had less of a hold on me. I liked what I was doing... I liked who I was. This is how I've been facing my life as of late. And, surprise surprise - I've felt like crap. How we deal with the craziness of life has everything to do with perception.

I know that this isn't how things are supposed to be. Jesus said "I came so they can have real and eternal life, more and better than they ever dreamed of," and I've gotta take the guy at His word. We're meant to have wholeness in life, yet it seems that it's always just out of our grasp.

We become most aware of our needs when the things that satisfy those needs are absent.

I realize how good I feel when I'm healthy, eating right and working up a sweat during a run or bike ride, when exercise has not been a part of my life for several weeks.

I'm aware of how much I enjoy playing guitar, often sitting for hours at a time getting lost in the sounds emerging from such a simple instrument, when I haven't picked one up in what feels like weeks.

I know how good it is to be spending time in the Bible, praying and worshiping God, precisely because of how I feel so thirsty and dry when I haven't done so.

These things, for me, bring wholeness. These are necessities, much like food and water. I can no more deny myself these than I can deny hunger pangs. Life will continue to get busier and busier; no doubt I will look back sometime much later and say that this time was carefree and easy. Wholeness isn't found by looking back, or even trying to work towards it in the future. In the here and now, in the midst of the craziness, I'm seeking to be whole.

Reflections on a reflection

Hi there. Good to see you again. What an October it's been. Sounds like a good intro to a folk song. Now remember when... I'll pick up the pen... etc.

Tonight finds me sort of in the midst of some crazy stuff. This month, I changed jobs. More on that later. Also, we just found out today that next month, we'll have a home that neither set of parents live in. A real home. More to come on that front too. Teasers!!!

I love my wife, and God knows my wife loves getting her sleep. I'm a big fan of going to sleep around the same time as her, but sometimes I just lie there knowing that I've still got more in the tank for the day; I can't sleep well when I've left things undone. It's like wondering if you turned off the lights at home when you're on a flight to Hawaii.

So, I sit down, wondering what thing I needed so desperately to share about myself before turning in for the night, when I found myself on Donald Miller's blog again. His latest post is entitled "Reflections on Endless Self-Promotion," and it definitely seems fitting for this night's work. In this particular post, Miller starts a list of his confessions, justifications, and observations as he reflects on writing about oneself. I'd encourage you to check out the post, if you haven't already clicked on the above link. Reading the post caused me to wonder the same thing about my own endeavors. What is it, exactly, I'm even after when I write about myself?

Confession: I write sometimes not because I enjoy it, but out of a need to be recognized for some raw talent, to have my abilities vindicated by someone else, maybe even someone who doesn't know me at all but for my rare gift with words on this mysterious blog they stumbled across one day.

Justification: With my attention-deficit disorder, it's often hard to think clearly with the jumble of random thoughts floating in your head. Writing helps me organize my thoughts, be it when I'm planning, praying, or just thinking about the day.

Justification: As a perfectionist, I am somewhat terrified of releasing something of my own creation into the world without thorough analysis and editing. This experiment, while not overtly publicized by me, has certainly helped me start chipping away at this barricade that has held me captive for the vast majority of my life.

Observation: Looking at friends' and non-friends' blogs, comparing them to my own, I can see that as we study ourselves, our passions become clearer - both to ourselves and to others. At least, that's what I've seen when looking at other blogs; it's harder to see that in my own work at this point. For this reason alone, self-reflection is a worthwhile venture.