I haven't been incommunicado because I've been holed up working on a super-important project like a book or screenplay (although even just to be holed up in general would be nice) or anything like that. Nope, just winter.
Winter in Minnesota, I'm convinced, is nothing short of a war of attrition on one's psyche - slowly wearing you down emotionally, physically, spiritually. You don't even notice it after the initial shock of how very cold and dark it is, really, until rays of hope begin to show through. This usually occurs around the end of February, although this is often misleading and encourages further despair until at least April. Sometimes I don't know how people get anything done in this climate. Hey, at least I don't have ice dams.
The dark months always hit me harder than I realize; I'm somewhat unaware of the winter blues until I see the sun and the temperatures are in the 30s for an extended period of time, such as this past week. You know how people say that you have to know how bad it can get in order to fully appreciate how good it is? I feel like I'm not aware of how bad it really is until I'm on the other side of it, going "oh, yeah, this is what real smiling feels like."
However, it's safe to say this winter has been a particularly trying one for me. Much of what I've known has changed drastically. For example, the church I've called home, for better or worse, no longer felt like home. So a new year meant time for a change for Sarah and me. Even the events detailed in my most recent post don't mean anything. This has brought a deep sense of loss; I don't think I need to explain a feeling like that to anyone older than 4 on the planet. We know that one all too well on our own terms. I just wish I dealt with mine better.
What I'm getting at is that I sometimes wonder if I'm a couple steps behind the pace of my life, like I'm perpetually waving goodbye to whatever is in the rear window while my attention is required by what lies ahead. Also, I wonder if I wonder too much. If I only have a finite amount of time and mental processing power, a good deal of it is spent wondering if choices made were the right ones, choices on all levels, from the insignificant "did I really want the Chicago dog or the Warsaw?" to the big life-altering ones. This seems somewhat worthless to me looking at it like this. (Not to mention altogether frustrating to my wife, who hears about it far more often than you are right now. No matter how frustrated you may be, she's got you beat.) Yet this is what occupies my brain on a regular basis. My hope is that at least all this speculation is fertile soil for some brilliant writing. Don't hold your breath on that one, though.
No, in all seriousness, even though it's been a rough few months and my reserves are running low, I'm continually hopeful. I have to keep that alive; I've really got no choice in the matter. I blame God for that one. When it doesn't make any sense to be positive and hopeful, I am reminded that God is still faithful. It's times like this that I can relate to King David, the writer of the majority of the Psalms. It's a book of worship songs, essentially, and David doesn't shy away from his raw feelings; anger, fear, desperation, and the like (something most modern worship songs are lacking) - but above it all, a confidence in God. Psalm 27 says:
Teach me how to live, O Lord.
Lead me along the right path,
for my enemies are waiting for me.
12 Do not let me fall into their hands.
For they accuse me of things I’ve never done;
with every breath they threaten me with violence.
13 Yet I am confident I will see the Lord’s goodness
while I am here in the land of the living.
14 Wait patiently for the Lord.
Be brave and courageous.
Yes, wait patiently for the Lord.
Even now, that Anne Lamott quote featured prominently at the top of the blog becomes more meaningful to me - hope begins in the dark. I know that no matter what, I will never be forsaken. The days are still mostly dark, but they are getting brighter. They always do.
3 comments:
I reminisce about the past a lot, but don't wonder often about what might have been. I also look forward to the future a lot. I went to a photography workshop last June (day after your wedding, actually), and turned out to be a life workshop, too. The guy leading the workshop told me that for those 3 days that i was there, I needed to enjoy the present, and focus on the present. Right here, right now. Because it's what's happening, and it's where I can work on myself or my business if I want to. It's ok to think of the past and the future, but we miss out on what's going on right this instant. I often tell my brides and grooms within an hour of the ceremony: Remember to breathe, look around, and take it in... be deliberate about it, because it goes by so quickly. We can capture things from where the guests are, but you need to take things are from where you are... otherwise it will be easy to forget.
On a related note, if you ask God for guidance in that time of decision making, then why look back and question if YOU did the right thing? If God was leading you, and your heart, and it felt right at the time (even if it was difficult), why dwell on things?
I only got depressed for like 5 days this winter... (so clincally, that's not really depressed)... so I'm kind of thankful the "winter blues" didn't overcome me too much. But I feel ya on that. Winter in Minnesota is a beast, sometimes... as you said, emotionally, physically, spiritually...
Don't stop writing!! (Says the one who never writes on her own blog... I KNOW.)
Good stuff Ging. Thanks for the well-thought comment. I'm working on writing some new stuff as we speak - never you worry!
So......... when do we get some more of your writing? "Don't stop writing!!" - AMEN!
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